Final Fantasy vs the Mary Sues
by secretgal
Summary: AU. They've taken on Twilight, but now a greater threat has emmerged and it's time for the Final Fantasy characters to fight against it. A parody.


**Author's Note: **I know that not every original character is a Mary Sue, but they seriously are a major problem. Just as a warning, be prepared for a little bit of crack and maybe some OOC, but it's all in good fun. So now, I proudly present the unrelated squeal to _Final Fantasy vs Twilight_: _Final Fantasy vs. The Mary Sues_!

_

* * *

Back on the Square Enix set..._

A few days had past since Lightning and her friends had destroyed Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Vanille now had a new laptop and made sure to stay far away from the Twilight fiction. Cloud had decided to spend the last few days with Lightning as he decided her trailer was a little more comfortable than Aerith's church. Stella was now occupying the shower.

"You guys," she yelled at Lightning and Vanille, "I still have sparkles in my hair! Any way to get them out?!"

"Use some tomato sauce!" Vanille yelled back. "If that doesn't work, read some Dracula stories and just hope that they disapear!"

Lightning had just taken a seat with her cellphone was going through her contacts. Suffice to say, it was a relatively calm mood in the trailer.

This peaceful scene was interrupted by a knock on the door. "I'll get it," Lightning said as she walked to the entrance and opened the door. Standing before her was a 17 year old teenage girl, with medium length brown hair, clear blue eyes, perfect pale skin, wearing a black leather dress with high healed boots, a piece of white materia hanging from her neck, and a red ribbon tied around one of her arms.

"Can I help you?" Lightning asked, trying to get a handle on the appearance of the girl before her.

"Hi, my name is Claudina Gainsborough and I'm Cloud's long lost daughter," the girl replied with a plastic grin on her face.

Lightning raised an eyebrow, not buying the explanation. "Hey Vanny," she yelled into the trailer. "Question: does Cloud have a daughter?"

"No, not that I know of," Vanille screamed back.

The yelling awoke Cloud who stumbled out of his sleeping place in the bunk room and proceeded toward the door, sleepily rubbing his eyes and yawning. When he came into view of Claudina, she jumped up and squealed, "DADDY!"

At that, Cloud's eyes went wide. "Get away from me!" he screamed and ran into a nearby closet and locked the door. Vanille saw the situation and immediately ran to the closet door and tried to coax Cloud out of his hiding place.

"Um, could you come back later?" Lightning told Claudina.

"But I-" she tried to say but her question was abruptly cut by the slamming sound of the trailer door. She then ran to help Vanille get Cloud out. Before she could help her friend, Lightning cellphone rang. She picked it up from its place on the small table where she had been previously and answered it.

"Hello?" she said.

Out of nowhere, the sound of heavy breathing filled her ear. "Lightning?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Snow," the caller answered, sounding terrified and desperate. "I'm in a bathroom right now and I need you to come and get me."

"Wait why?"

"Some girls just showed up claiming to be my love interest, or my twin sister, or lost daughter and I'm really scared-"

Suddenly, there was a crashing sound and the scream of, "There he is!" This was followed by the screams of girls. Snow must have dropped the phone and tried to get away, but soon his own screams of "GET OFF ME!" crossed Lightning's ears. Unable to take it anymore, she hung up.

A second later she received another phone call. She answered it, but had not even finished her greeting when another screaming voice was heard. "GET OFF ME YOU SICK GIRLS!! I DON'T KNOW YOU!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

The call ended there.

Stella exited the shower just then, covered head to toe in red tomato sauce.

"Who was that?" she asked.

"I don't know," Lightning replied, "but I think he's in trouble."

Vanille had stopped pounding on the closet door and let out a frustrated, "Fine! Stay in there for all I care!" She then joined Lightning and Stella.

"What the heck was that about?" Stella said.

"It's the Sues," came an annoyed voice.

The girls all spun around, with Stella flinging a few glops of tomato sauce on Vanille and Lightning. The voice came from an annoyed looking Paine. The fighter was frowning and had her arms crossed in a more disapproval look than usual.

"How the heck did you get in?" Stella asked.

"I'm a master of unlocking," Paine quickly answered. She then nodded her head to one side of the trailer. "The back door was opened."

Lightning tried to comprehend the bizarreness of that statement, but decided that there was no point in dwelling on it. "What are 'the Sues'?"

"Mary Sues. Characters that have been created by an author, but are completely shallow, unoriginal, and otherwise too perfect to fit into the universe of a character."

While Paine was explaining that, the girls could hear the shudders of a scared Cloud coming from the closet.

"That's evil," Vanille exclaimed. "No, that's pure terror incarnate."

"How many of these Sues are there?" Lightning asked.

"Let me put it this way," Paine started, finally taking her back off of the wall. "The first Sue was written in a Star Trek fanfic in the 1970's, and now, they are in every single fan fiction group imaginable."

Stella, Vanille, and Lightning's jaws all dropped in horror. "And we thought _Twilight_ was bad," the princess whispered under her breath.

"Well, you can do something about it," Paine explained. "There's been a surge of Mary Sues in the Final Fantasy universe and the other girls have had it. Tifa and Rinoa have set up a Sue bashing at around noon. You're all welcome to come."

Lightning didn't think for a second. She ran to the closet where Cloud was hiding and kicked the door down, which caused a huddled Cloud to fall to the ground. An assortment of scarfs, game CDs, DVDs, a few random dresses, a pair of white pointy shoes, car keys, and extra zippers flew through the air. The flurry of objects stopped and Lightning appeared with her gunblade and the Buster Sword she had commandeered from Cloud.

"Alright ladies," she said with a smile on her face, "it's Sue Season!"

* * *

_In a random field somewhere in the middle of nowhere..._

A vast crowd of about ten thousand Mary Sues had converged at a single point and were attacking all of the Final Fantasy boys. Vincent Valentine was being chased. Bartz was at the bottom of a pool of girls. Sephiroth was trying to fend off a series of Cloud and Sephiroth looking girls. Balthier was wishing he was no longer the 'leading man'. Zack Fair was crying. Squall was being used as the rope in a game of tug and war. Kuja was running in a circle. Noctis was lying on the ground in defeat. Various other guys were being tugged, grabbed, and fought over.

Over all the screams of Mary Sues came a greeting of, "Hello girls!"

All of the Sues stopped fighting and looked up. Before them stood every single Final Fantasy Girl: Terra, Scarlet, Shera, Rosa, Rydia, Yuna, Rikku, Paine, Stella, Ashe, Garnet, Eiko, Yuffie, Aerith, Lucrecia, Cissine, Lady Shantotto, Tifa, Vanille, Rinoa, Selphie, Celes, Lulu, a Miss Cloud cosplayer, Princess Sara, Maria, Leila, Edea, Farris, Princess Hilda, Yunaleska, Penelo, Fran, Ultimecia, the Cloud of Darkness, Jenova, and Lightning. All of them were holding various weapons, ranging from a machine gun, to a katana, pitch fork, to a chainsaw.

"And who the heck do you think you are?" one of the Sephiroth Sues yelled back, placing her hips on her leather black mini-skirt.

"We're the real girls!" replied Tifa.

"AND GIVE US OUR MEN BACK YOU FREAKS OF NATURE!" Rinoa yelled. Out of fear, a teenage girl wearing a Squall outfit with a miniskirt and sporting a matching facial scar dropped the real Squall.

"Oh yeah," another Sue screamed back. "What are ya gonna do about it?!"

Rikku grinned and revealed a chainsaw and revved the engine. Then all of the cannon characters yelled and ran toward the army of Sues.

All of the Sues screamed and ran away from the mob. The Final Fantasy men lay beaten and bruised on the ground, trampled first by the Sues and then by the angry mob.

Bartz, who had an enormous boot print on his face, looked up as the group of girls chased the Mary Sues. He started to cry tears of joy. The other boys watched in terror as the Sues were punched, torn, and pummled by the Final Fantasy girls.

"Remind me not to mess with our girls," Locke said, as he and the others watched the carnage for the next few hours.

When at was all over, every single Mary Sue was defeated and all the Final Fantasy girls sang a quick victory theme, smiling that the Mary Sues were gone.

The End


End file.
